Why so many ‘entanglements’ in marriages, women are not innocent in everything that happens to them

Memo 4 from the National Desk of the Welfare of Men: The Myth of Female Innocence

By Silas Nyanchwani via FB

Every time I do a post complaining about legit bad female behaviour, an army of girls, armed with enough English vocabulary(toxic masculinity, patriarchy, invisible female labour bla bla), and some overblown negative experiences their mothers went through, usually camp in the comment section with only one defense; that every bad thing women do is because of something bad men did to them(women).
You get the picture that women are angels and very innocent in everything bad that happens to them, and men are so evil, to drive women to do some nasty things that define the modern woman.

And, boy, this usually drives me crazy.
Granted, women have been served bad cards and certainly, our mothers did get the short end of the stick in many things. But usually I see girls I know, who come from fairly decent families, whose fathers toiled every day to afford them a decent education, whose fathers have left them a fortune and legacy, argue here as if their fathers were some monsters.

Sadly, I have seen some young boys, join women in accusing men of being monsters and I usually want to offer them a rude digital slap.
Because, you can’t be a man above 16, and not understand that human female specie is one of the coldest, most ruthless, most calculating species anywhere in the universe.

Everyday, I see women doing nasty stuff out of their own agency but soon enough, a man will be blamed. And this drives me nuts. Totally bonkers.

Now we have young men, doing everything to right the wrongs of their fathers(most of them actually imagined) and thinking that they will be better than their fathers in handling the female gender but they fail terribly, sooner rather than later and it is funny.) And soon, they learn that their fathers may not have been as black as their mothers painted. And for the slowest amongst us, this does not negate or erase the bad things some fathers did or do.

Presently, the most well behaved men I know are being divorced in alarming numbers for some of the slightest misdemeanors. And it is a crying shame, because the men are usually manipulated to think they were wrong kumbe they don’t know that some women are the original Jekyll and Hyde(can be externally good, but sometimes shockingly evil)

Every day, I see men my generation trying to appease women and sometimes I want to tell them that filling Indian Ocean with their tears would be easier. Because women are very good at shifting the goalposts. And you will never, ever, ever meet all the demands of a woman and that is why sometimes you have to be unreasonable as a man. It helps protect your sanity. Some of the most unhappiest men I know are young married men trying to make their wives happy. This often backfires because happiness is a personal responsibility. And happiness is not material stuff that men buy to please women. Karen and Runda with all the fancy houses, are some of the unhappiest places in the world and Kibera may be happier than most people would admit.

Women are not always innocent parties. And this is something I wish all men understood. Women are responsible for some bad things that happen to them. We need to normalise this.

I grew up in the village in the 1990s. A strange phenomena happened. In a part of the country where religiosity( Adventism) is far too common and monogamy the norm. Suddenly, men were marrying second wives. It was a new wave of polygamy totally unlike that of our ancestors. Suddenly, many men didn’t want to see their first wives or talk to them.

Even when young, we heard in the grapevine that most of the men who did that had been offended by the fact that their wives tried to bewitch them. Something called Amaebi. Kamote as we commonly know it.

Whereas scientifically, I can’t explain how the bewitching worked, but looking back the women who got the cold treatment from their men often deserved and even by societal standards, they were considered evil. Whereas nobody touched them, nobody dispossessed or kicked them out of their houses, most men were asked to look for a woman who will not try to kill them. Second wife wasn’t necessarily a good thing because never try to marry a second wife when you are vulnerable, but she brought some sense of balance to a man’s life. Most men never slept in the house of the first wife for good.

I do know a number of women, some quite young, who have consulted waganga sugu on how to deal with their ‘errant’ husbands and once a man knows, he will never respect the woman again. In fact, for young married men here, your woman maybe consulting a mganga from Kitui or Tanzania.

A few Christmases back, if my memory serves me right, journalist turned lawyer Wahome Thuku warned men from Central Kenya that hii tabia their mothers call their sons to the side, and paint an ugly picture about the old man in order to draw sympathy ikome. You end up giving your mother Sh 10,000 and your father Sh 500 or nothing. Just because your mother manipulated into thinking your father is bad person, her cruelty notwithstanding or overlooked.

For men here. Do the right thing by God. Be a good a man by all means. But you can’t be all things for a woman, as the more you give the more they want and boy, those who have been through that rabbit hole, have emerged later in their 40s with nothing but a lot of bruises, bitterness and resentment.

The modern woman is not something to play with. Anytime you want to please her, light a fire and jump in, you will be bruised less.
And for men, be kind to yourself. And be kind to fellow men, including your father. Take a stock of the individual relationship your father had with your mother. If keen you will be shocked at how cruel and toxic your mother was and why your father did some pretty stupid things.
Lastly, again for men, a female friend told me that the modern man depends on the woman too much. Which is true. There must be a proverb in your language that warns you against this.

In short, I am not starting a gender war or calling for men to be nasty little and petty people. I just want men to know that sometimes the reason their wives cheat is not because the man failed in bed, it could be she is legit loose. And there is nothing you can do about it. The reason their wives put so much pressure on them is not because they want better from the man, necessarily. It could be she is too materialistic and you will never match what she wants, don’t break your back, son.

In the end, may common sense prevail, and if you sense toxic behaviour in someone (male or female), walk, no matter how much time you have had together. Lest you end up like Will Smith(assuming they are not acting).

Don’t be needy Why(a woman will canibalise you if you are too needy, Ihuoma, you know) focus on yourself and build yourself. Pole pole. This world can drive you crazy, man.

Have a great week, free of entanglements.